This is part II of my visit with artist, Lilian Thomas Burwell, that took place on 4.26.09 in Highland Beach, MD. In my last installment I talked about some answers I received from Lilian regarding an issue I had been struggling with; the validity of my Vision.
Sometimes I wonder how, if you are living your Vision to its fullest, does a romantic relationship fit in there? How does one balance relationships with people with ones relationship with her Vision? I have also often wondered if the reason that I am not currently in a relationship is related to the fact that I may need to give so much of myself to my Vision. I wonder if my Higher Power or the Universe knows best and if that is why I don’t have that romantic relationship right now. Maybe space is being made for me to do what I was meant to do. I have noticed that for many women it seems to be so much more of a challenge to balance relationships, family and career. The prevailing expectation is society remains that a woman is still expected to support a man in his work while he supports her or the family with his work. I have always found that this model does not really suit me. Additionally I find that many men have a hard time with the idea of a woman whose work is of primary importance in her life. I know that personally some men that I have interacted with are quick to decide that I am too busy for them. Obviously those are not the men for me, but it’s strange because in a way more and more since I have become more involved in living my Vision I wonder if they are right. However, living my Vision does not eliminate the desire for a romantic relationship.
Something told me that Lilian knew something of this dilemma. She was married long ago and raised one child, a daughter. She has been divorced for many years, was a single parent and is currently single. She is a very strong independent woman and although she has desired it, has not been in that relationship most people dream of, with “The One.” As she puts it, she is an incurable romantic and if he came along tomorrow she would go for it. I completely relate to this!
I asked her pretty much point blank. Do you think there is a reason that you don’t have this relationship? Do you think God has something to do with this? Lilian said that she does not presume to know what God is thinking but that although she desires this she also has learned to accept things as they are. She also said that perhaps the space that is left by the absence of this relationship is meant for her to fill with her creations and the work she does with and for others. She alluded a few times to this emptying out and how this space must be filled. She also said that not always getting what she wants has meant that she has gotten so much more and that she truly believes that she is living the life God intended for her and is confident that this God loves her more than she could have ever imagined before. She also told me that this desire for love and romance should not be ignored and that as an artist it comes out in other ways. This is true. You can see so much passion and sensuality in her work!
So did Lilian answer my questions for me? Of course not. She gave me a lot of clues, but as she said we only truly “know” something when we live it. My answers are still coming and as Lilian said…I can not presume to know what is in the mind of God. I know for myself that there is something to be found in the space of being alone and yes even in loneliness. I have found many answers in this void and a part of my generativity has come from this place, but more of course remains to be realized.
(first posted 4.28.09)
This comment came from Lilian Burwell
I’m so grateful that you’re able to use me for answers….just proves my conviction that we’re in the world for each other….and in ways that aren’t even of our own doing IF we leave ourselves open to a Greater Design! Sometimes the drumbeat designed solely for each of us to hear how to work toward being what we’re deigned to be is hardly heard for all the ‘follow the popular garbage’ sounds. But do block those bandwagon sounds. Believe me, the gain is worth the strain!!
And you go, Girl!!!
There is a clear difference between being alone and loneliness. The work that an artist does often requires that they work alone, in a creative space with their muse. Alone they may be, but not lonely in their work. They have their muse and their work that helps occupy the time and space of that creative process. Writers and painters often work alone and use that private time to focus their attention on their art. It’s part of the process.
Now loneliness reflects more on a void in one’s life, a missing piece to one’s puzzle. Loneliness speaks more to one’s social needs, one’s desire for companionship, the human requirement to engage with other humans. We are a social animal and thrive through regular contact with others. It’s an important part of our emotional well being. That is why we have families, seek friendships and mate with spouses.
As for God’s wishes… who’s to say. It’s clear that we all were created to be social beings, to engage with others and to have relationships. Now whether those relationships are intended to be romantic or otherwise is a question beyond our knowledge. Maybe it’s a part of our free will, a choice for each of us to pursue. As the saying goes, we can pick our friends, we can’t pick our families. So, let’s choose wisely.
I don’t think that living your vision precludes one from having a romantic & meaningful relationship with a significant other. When I wrote my last vision (and I’m due to write another one soon)I included what I thought was important at the time. However, being in a relationship was not part of it. Looking back on it, I started to wonder why I left that part out. I realized that I was coming out of a significant relationship at the time and didn’t really want another one. Time has passed, heart wounds have healed, and 95% of my vision has come to fruition. I wonder if the line of work that I’ve chosen eliminates any aspect of a future relationship. I refuse to believe that…which is why I need to sit and write an updated version of my vision. I truly believe it can happen but I have to write it into the realm of possibility for my life. There are times that I feel the odds are against me. I’m a single African-American woman living abroad in the Middle East with her 4 legged best friend….what are the chances of finding love over here? I must believe that the chances are no more greater here than living in the States. For me, I must not be afraid to invite love into my life – which is why I have to be really clear with myself about the relationship I seek. In the end, I welcome the opportunity to experience great love in my life. But the only way it will come to me is if I invite it into my life by writing my vision. I hope my thoughts help to shed a little more light (and love) on this topic…
I am coming from the perspective of being married and divorced and now in a committed relationship for the last 11 years.
a. I think for two people to have a committed relationship there must be a shared vision. I think a part of that is that your life changes and you do not do the same things once you commit to the relationship. This does not mean that you give up your life’s work, but something does have to change.
b. Romantic love is not what sustains, builds and nurtures a relationship. In fact I would submit that the narrative of romantic love can be detrimental to relationships.
c. In my experience women attribute a complexity to men that does not exist.