(from travel journal dated 9.30.10)
Back in Villa #1 on what I now refer to as The Rock. The rain continues to fall…
Villa #13
After a short detour in which I almost wound up in Rock House’s villa #13 I am back in my old room Villa #1. I actually really liked the look of #13 and was ready to move when they called it off. The new villa was very Robinson Crusoe/Blue Lagoon and would have suited me just fine. It even had a ladder/stair that went up to a loft with two little beds up there. The view, like that of all the villas, was great. It looked like the perfect little place in which to write. Very charming.
I spun around to locate the AC and that’s when Scarlet, the bellman (and no that is not his first name), told me…”oh there is no AC”….WHAT? Come again? Running on generator power was not enough to power the Air Conditioning units in each room. He was explaining to me the efficiency of the ceiling fan but I could not hear him because the words “no AC” kept ringing in my ears. I inhaled deeply and decided that this was even more perfect, more authentic and more befitting to create an atmosphere in which I could write a story largely based in the tropics and on the sea.
But…secretly, I longed for the halcyon days of “Little Havana” and all my mod cons.
So this has brought us up to speed and hopefully prepared my hands and mind to write…when’s dinner?
5:20 PM OMG I’m soooo bored! I don’t want to write. I want to go swimming and just see the sun. Maybe I’ll try meditating instead…boy my mind is noisy!
8:35 PM Just came from dinner at the Pushcart of blackened snapper salad and side of fries. As always the food there is very good.
10:55 PM Have just written a lot, filled out more the scenes on the pirate ship leading up to Isabelle’s…(oops forgot can’t tell what’s going on yet in Book II of The Adventures of Isabelle). Writing, especially as I have no idea of what I am doing, goes really slowly. Still contending with that voice in my head that says “what makes you think you can write a book let alone a novel or epic fairy tale? What did I just read about in the Pema Chodron book today about the young warrior’s battle with Fear?
Pema Chodron
Once there was a young warrior. Her teacher told her that she had to do battle with fear. She didn’t want to do that. The day arrived. The student warrior stood on one side, and fear stood on the other. The warrior was feeling very small, and fear was looking big and wrathful. They both had their weapons. The young warrior roused herself and went toward fear, prostrated three times, and asked, “May I have permission to go into battle with you?” Fear said, “Thank you for showing me so much respect that you ask permission.” Then the warrior said, “How can I defeat you?” Fear replied, “My weapons are that I talk fast, and get very close to your face. Then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say. If you don’t do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you don’t do what I say, I have no power.” in that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear. (p. 41, When Things Fall Apart. Chodron, 1997)
My job is to not let my fear change my actions. It is one thing to have fear, another to be guided by it.
Ok nuff writing tonight. I am going to put it in chill mode and get up early to write some more. Tomorrow is going to be great! I can’t wait. Going to bed now. I think tomorrow will be a big work day. Maybe the sun will even shine. I have a feeling that the internet is back, at least I hope so because I have a lot to say!
Where are you on the journey of living your vision for your life and what do you do when you encounter Fear ? Drop me a line and let me know!
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Hmmm…this is my duality speaking. But, in times of strength, when I’ve felt able and focused, I have stared fear down and refused to be intimidated by it. In those times, I have not been daunted by the unknown or the possibility of failure. Instead, led by my stronger self, I have behaved like a fearless giant and dared obstacles to come as they may. My sense of self is clear and my ability to keenly manuever is quite surgical. Ooooh to be in THAT space.
However….when I have not felt like I have been doing the righteous work necessary to achieve, when I have felt weak, afraid and uncertain….I have bowed down to fear….remained prostrate and allowed it to devour me.
What I have learned is that the show down with fear, at least for me, is less about the fear and so much more about where I am at mentally, emotionally and spiritually. And that understanding has led me to try to build up my intangible fortitude on a daily basis…it is a battle that I intend to win!
Karima